Chronicles of an Online Dater Vol. II

Well, friends... I'm starting over. Again.

...

Please allow me a second to wallow in my own self-pity and let the loneliness and doubt take over. Just a second to repeatedly ask myself "how did life come to this?" and "where did I go wrong?"

Alright, time's up. Pressing on...

So, clearly, Ryan and I are no longer together. I used to think relationships were determined by whether you loved each other or not. Then life requires you to factor in things like children and jobs and putting down roots and sometimes love isn't enough. It breaks my heart, but at the end of day, it's the cold, hard truth and a very difficult choice had to be made.

I made the decision to try my hand at online dating again. (As opposed to... ????) I spent a lot of time tweaking my old profile, gathering new pics and making sure I was very clear on what I was looking for. In addition to my carefully articulated profile, I'd like to bring a few points to the attention of my single male counterparts:


Dear men of the online dating community,

1. I have posted my acceptable age range in the late 20s/early 30s. You 50- and 60-year-old men sending me winks and messages asking if I'd like to hang out... stop it. You're creepy. Same goes for those of you who live across the country. Are you within my 50 mile radius? No. Move along.

2. I apologize in advance that my photos are a bit misleading. The Andrea you see in those photos... I like to call her "1% of the time Andrea." I rock the messy pony, very little makeup and my beloved sweatpants most of the time because I do not have time and I do not care. Sorry not sorry.

3. I do not hide the fact that I am a mom. I'm pretty sure it's the most obvious thing in my whole profile. So no, I cannot "dump my son somewhere" and meet you for drinks in an hour. Really, guys? Maybe I'll just post this really awesome link in my profile so guys can maybe start to understand what goes through the mind of a single parent. So no, most of the time, I cannot join you for a night out on the town... I'm busy at home watching Disney movies and playing with Legos.

4. Then there are you guys who, under the kid category, have "do not want" checked. You're the reasons I have to put the phrase "my son and I are a package deal" in my profile. Stop contacting me.

5. Please think of your profile as a resume. You are trying to impress people. Please use things like punctuation, correct spelling, capitalization and spell out words. i no u iz lookin 4 a hawty... but no one is impressed with your middle school slang. NO ONE.


Gahhh... are all the non-smoking, educated, ambitious, Christian 20/30-somethings who love dogs and children already taken? I'm beginning to think so. Maybe this time around I should've tried a different site. I hear Petfinder.com has a plethora of loyal, kid-loving, affectionate males...

Chronicles of an Online Dater

There was something a bit surreal horrifying about having to return to the dating world after a 12.5 year hiatus. Prior to my divorce, my last first date was way back in summer 2001, and it's safe to say a lot has changed since then... went from having to ask parents for a ride to the movies to being a single parent trying to squeeze in a date before 8:00 pick-up. There were some things, however, that didn't really change at all.

I went from being an awkward teenager to an awkward adult, living in a town where I only knew a couple people, now with a baby, dog and house to take care of and still a die-hard homebody that embraced the mindset of once the bra is off and the sweatpants are on... no way in hell I'm leaving the house. 

So once I was ready to move on from the divorce, I figured that, realistically, online dating was my only hope. I know there's still this stigma even though pretty much every other aspect of life is filtered through the Internet. Kinda mind boggling if you really think about it.

So there I was... on Match.com... reading through dozens of profiles, shuddering at some, "winking" at others. One minute you're giddy over the possibilities of actually meeting these potential suitors and the next you're sobbing into a glass of wine wondering if this is really what life has come to. However, knowing the bar scene wasn't for me and the chance of me meeting Mr. Right while grocery shopping in my sweatpants covered in baby urp was probably pretty slim, I pressed on.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Date #1: Went well enough to warrant a second date, but ultimately, the tramp stamp and crying uncontrollably through Love Actually weirded me out.

"Date" #2: This DB waited until 15 minutes before our date to cancel on me because he didn't feel like going out in the cold weather and then had the balls to drunk text me two other times in the wee hours of the night. Excuse me, but I think you were looking for the Tinder app.

"Date" #3: We texted for awhile... seemed like a relatively nice guy... but he worked or went to school all the time. Between his schedule and my responsibilities as a mom, we just never found the time to actually meet.

Date #4: Guys... this date was like a comedy gone wrong... I cannot make this shit up. He texted me a list of options for our first date, but they included dinner OR drinks, not both. All these places were restaurants that he had coupons for. We get to dinner and he tells me to keep my portion of the bill under $10, but then proceeds to tell the waiter that we're going to split a medium pizza and waters for the both of us. A comment was made about how cold he keeps his house and told me if I ever came over and wanted him to turn the heat up, I'd better throw a $20 on the table. No, not shitting you at all. The ONLY positive thing about that evening was I found Petey on my way home. So even though the date was a hysterical disaster, I reunited a lost doggy with his owner... so I'm glad I went for that reason alone.

Date #5: I'd consider this a decent date, but unfortunately I didn't feel like we had a whole lot in common. And nothing is a bigger turn off than when guys who are shorter than me (he was 5'9") do nothing but comment on the height difference. Be thankful I wore flats, buddy.

"Date" #6: I'm so glad this date didn't actually happen. We had plans to go out one night, but I called to ask if we could reschedule after some really bad things happened that day in divorceland. He said no problem, but later that night, I started getting texts from him calling me a liar and a stupid bitch for backing out on him. When I didn't respond right away because, oh I don't know, I was busy being a mom, his texts became super aggressive. So of course I politely told him to go eff himself. That's when the voicemails started pouring in with him crying and asking for my forgiveness. Again, not shitting you. Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper.

So why I am I sharing this, you might ask? Well, today, date #7 and I are celebrating a year together. The fear of starting over, of having to step outside my comfort zone, not to mention that stellar lineup of suitors... it was all worth it. My heart is full and I am beyond blessed to have such an incredible man in my life.

Since the divorce, it has been an honor to hear so many stories of how sharing my experience with divorce and dating have empowered others to put themselves out there. You will find love and happiness again, I promise.

I did.